Hello morning…. I….
-made my coffee
-took my vitamins
-remembered my ADD medicine
-feed the baby humans a balanced breakfast
- made my own breakfast while keeping in mind I have to call Alissa and report my eating later, since I used the past week of being sick to be a total slacker resulting in a bowl of chocolate ice cream one morning and pasta every night….with the end result of me feeling like I gained some of my hard worked weight lost off and no amount of food is worth that…so yeah, I have to hold myself accountable: egg whites and a banana it is
-had the notion to retry potty-training Eli today….I will not go into great details but let’s just say FAIL. He is simply not ready, despite my wanting him to be
-made a list of my photo jobs that need final wrap up’s despite the fact I struggle to stop editing even when there are 50 perfect pictures…lol……….. my grad school odds and ends business that needs to be taken care of so I can begin……. and sign up Trae for 5K………..
-STOP and cry.
Yeah, stop. That stopped me. Cry? Stop and cry? Really Nan? Yes, really Nan.
I was the first grade teacher than anxiously waited on my students the first day of school and assured parents their babies would be fine with me day in and day out as I loved them and made my lifes goal to help make them the best little humans possible. I felt sad for the crying ones, but I KNEW their kids would FLOURISH and GROW so I would always think, “They should be THRILLED for them! Our days ROCK in here… they would learn to LOVE books and reading, they would learn confidence in themselves and how to solve issues with others, they would learn to work on their weaknesses and ROCK OUT their strengths. I got this.”
That was Nan the teacher.
Now, I am Nan the mommy.
Mostly, the tears I shed this morning were for gratefulness. I am so thankful I walked away from teaching for a little while to be a stay at home mommy. MOST of my friends, family, church family, band mates, and even my co-workers and boss understood whole heartedly and gave me sound advice. The best advice I ever received then was the following from a beloved co-worker…. “You will never regret being poor, but you could regret not having this time with them.” Especially since I had THE LONGING. I never expected it, but I did. So, I gave up the big new house, the new awesome car, the coolest and newest of everything…. We downsized and went without. We got by, miraculously. Now, I realize, all the advice I was given was right….I have no regrets of being poor…there is money still to be made, work to be done, stuff to buy still….my first baby human is five. No getting that back.
As many of you know, I was the girl never that NEVER expected to have my own babies. Physically or otherwise. Plus, I can’t fail to mention…..I had major germ issues and actually had hosed my niece off with the water hose while babysitting her as she had a dirty diaper one time. Yeah, not a baby person.
After Trae was born and put into my arms I looked at him, looked up towards heaven, busted out crying and said, “GOD PLEASE DON’T LET ME SCREW HIM UP TOO BADLY!” Laughable, but straight up truth. I was terrified. My friends and family laughed at me as I became the expert reader on “how to” parenting books. I read THEM ALL. Like EVERY aspect of my life, I was terrified to fail. I even bought my family books to read so they would know my “philosophies”. I am SHOCKED Elaine (my own mom) DID NOT SLAP ME! Lol. She probably should have….lol.
Back to the tears of gratefulness….
Long story short…In regards to that “to-do” list and Trae starting school…..I am so thankful I have been able to be with my first baby human as he has grown. I never imagined how difficult being a stay at home mom would be. I had big plans to be making clothes, baking homemade treats daily, and having everyone reading Harry Potter size books by the age of four. Yeah, that did NOT happen.
I had days of crying and simple feelings of worthlessness….days of going to bed worried they watched too much tv, didn’t get enough fresh veggies or fruit, or analyzing why they were making a bad choice at the time and frustrated I couldn’t fix it. I vividly remember the day it took a friend pointing out Trae was so super close to the tv for me to realize he needed glasses…only to find out it was in a MAJOR way. I had suspected it, and was so sad it took someone else pointing it out for me to take action. Days of coming to a point of “checking out” and just getting by to make it through the day.
I had days of fear….scared to leave the house because I knew I didn’t have the patience to deal when the 2 year old meltdown may come or the potty training accident would happen at the worst moment possible. Day’s I wasn’t sure if I was breastfeeding him properly and would panic text my friends with questions at 2am.
Yes, I had those days. But I had many, many, many more GREAT ONES!
Days and memories of Trae on my lap reading his dinosaur books, days of fighting pretend enemies with light sabers, days of building Lego villages, days of trying new healthy foods, days of accomplishments and celebration, days of picnics and new experiences, days of playing with friends, days of walking down to the pond hand-n-hand on a crisp morning….days and days filled with a million hugs…kisses…laughter! Days FULL of life, PRESENT in the moment, moments of sheer LOVE and thankfulness!
In the end….No doubt…..The good outweighed the bad. I learned to loosen up and pick a dirty pacifier off a floor and pop it in my mouth to clean it if needed. I learned to change a diaper on the wing of a jet plane flying through the sky if needed. I met my goal of breastfeeding him to a year old, which was in itself a full time job. I did some stuff right, no doubt. As for the rest, I learned to wing it.
Now my first baby human will now be something that seemed light-years away when I pleaded to God in his hospital room to help me do this….that little baby human is now a little human. Wow. A little school aged human. A glasses-wearing-Star-Wars-obsessed-sensitive-funny little human. Wow.
I will be the weepy eyed mommy watching him walk in. Each tear filled with memories, some rough and most great.
Back to the “to-do” list. One thing is for certain…despite it “all”….the good days and the bad….the moments of accomplishment and failure….life goes on….and I have to head up to school to register a little human. Tear free (for the moment).
*yes I had to post mine and Trae's song.....Indeed. It captures my whole experience as his mom...from the second I learned of the miracle of him growning inside of me...to this morning when crawled in my bed as I was listening to music and played "our song". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99j0zLuNhi8